Coronation Live Blog Special

Saturday 6th May
08:53

I'm not going to pretend that this live blog won't pose certain issues.

Firstly, my refusal to purchase a TV license means I can't watch any of the coronation live in my own home, so my choices are either to live blog the bbc live blog, or gatecrash somebody elses home.

I already feel excluded. Perhaps a good starting point is to share the insanity of others. I mean, why would you even want to be this guy? That is marmite. It must have cost him a fortune.

NB 500+ likes I guess, which is more than this website has had ever...

08:57

Other activities will of course include cookery. I mean, it's what I do. To be fair, it's what everyone does.

I'm sure that I won't be the only one attempting the royal flan, but I am one of the few doing it who is forced to shop at the worst stocked Morrissons in the country (they do have some great offers though, as illustrated).

I'm not sure dry tarragon and tinned broad beans is what King Charles will be eating (or this flan to be fair) but I'll have a go at it.

09:14

The other coronation recipe that intrigued me was the Ken Hom Rack of Lamb.

The proposition is you take 2 full racks of lamb and give it an oriental feel. My problem with this is that would only cover about 2 meals this week and cost about the same as a tank of petrol. Including the car.

As such I will be revising his recipe for those of us who did not go to public school, and who have to shop in the worst stocked supermarket in Britain (TM). I mean, let's play spot the rack of lamb in the picture provided.

I think I've got the cost down to about £2 a portion. But also I haven't cooked it yet. Dinner will be an adventure.

09:17

Finally, I think I might be relying quite a bit on you, the people. This content will need padding with much better content.

So, as the Cookery Corner addage goes, no contribution will be left uncontributed. Nobody is more desperate than I am.

09:29

So I find this so extraordinary I cannot be convinced it is true. According to the bbc live blog, 58% of people support the monarchy, whilst 26% back an elected head of state.

I mean, it's only when you read it slowly back you realise how utterly bizarre the concept of the Monarchy is.

Ironically enough, (political views alert) the thought that the same people who elected the Conservative party last time out and voted for Brexit would also be responsible for electing said head of state does muddy the waters for me as far as full republicanism is concerned.

09:36

I appreciate that last point may be controversial.

Let me know your thoughts - democratically elected, public school educated career politician, or benign hereditary dictatorship?

Of course this opens a whole other can of worms. This site tries its best to be relatively neutral (does it though?). Perhaps I'd better focus on a spot of cookery.

09:43

Of course, the main redeeming feature of the royals is that they seem to be pretty alright (at least by comparison with the political classes).

King Charles has apparently had the royal pledge removed from the ceremony. And I don't mean specially appointed furniture polish.

He wasn't confortable with it, by all accounts, although it seems 58% of people would likely have been mouthing along.

It's 9:42 am and I need to get up and make pastry. Why am I doing this?? Remind me someone?

09:45

So I have my first contribution of the day, from Gavin

"Hello Rowland. Coronation quiche bollocks. Am I doing this right?"

Yes Gav. Yes you are.

10:14

Whilst I've been sorting my flan dough out, another message (from the other room, to be fair) plus an image from Anti KC:

"So seems as my lie in plan has been thwarted by some royal twaddle. Hoping pastry making is followed to the tee and your hands are cold enough for it."

Yeah, royalist sentiment is not strong at all in this region. She's one of the moderates.

10:18

Another thing that's come to my attention through the last couple of contributions is that whilst I was hurriedly working out the color scheme to this page I omitted to update the keywords I hastily typed in as a placeholder with zero thought.

It consequently feels like I'm developing a theme to this page, centering around the word bollocks.

The question is, do I roll with it, or put some proper keywords in? It's not even like they do anything yet.

10:24

Well, I guess it's time to start paying attention to the goings on in Westminster.

Rishi Sunak has just arrived, fresh from a crushing defeat in the local elections. He looks dapper, and relaxed like only a multi squillionaire can be.

Oh, apparently the Royal Carriage has set off as well. Business is picking up!

10:29

I do wish they'd done this later in the day. I'm not at all awake yet. It's unreasonable.

In the absence of live TV coverage or anything worth repeating on the bbc live blog, I'm doing my own research.

Did you know, for example, than in York there will be no fewer than 17 street parties?

I mean, that's more than there will be in Wales entire.

Keep reading, and I'll keep the gold-dust coming.

10:31

The bbc live blog has just been updated to say that nothing is happening right now. They really are the gold standard of journalism.

10:34

Apparently the crowd have erupted at the first glimpse of Charles and Camilla on the Mall. One can only imagine the scene. I mean literally, I have no idea what is going on. This feature was a really bad idea.

Meanwhile, the Express reports that 8 billion people will be ignoring tv coverage of the Coronation altogether. That will be a blow to the monarchy. I didn't even think there were 8 billion people.

10:38

The beeb has thoughtfully posted a brief video of them moving very slowly in a Royal Carriage. It's not exciting at all. Is there any football on?

Charles is wearing fetching white and gold robes. It brings to mind Muhammad Ali on a ring-walk.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee,
It's time we bowed down to the new King C.

10:39

One thing I can say for sure, is I'm better at this that the bbc team even without being able to see what's happening.. and sure, their website isn't as good, but they have all the other advantages.

10:42

For example, as they pass the Cenotaph, they pull out some fun facts about the Cenotaph.

Meanwhile, Republican groups claim that the monarchy is falling apart.

This is being reported in the Guardian. Well, it would be. Is this news? It must be hard having to fill a whole newspaper every day.

10:44

Apparently Harry just showed up. Cutting it fine I'd suggest. We've all been there, with big family events. I bet the canapes are significantly better at this one mind. I wonder if they have Ken Hom personally cooking his asian inspired rack of lamb for them?

10:46

Apparently David Cameron, Gordon Brown and Tony Blair all rocked up at once. They did not greet each other. This is terrific insight.

Teresa May showed up too. I hope she's wearing her dancing shoes.

You know what, I'm not doing this bollocks for 3 hours. I'm going to have some breakfast.

11:09

"I came not to be served but to serve"

As I finish my breakfast, King Charles reveals his plans to become a restauranteur.

Badoom-tish... yeah I'm here all day. Sadly. Although to be honest I'll probably give up after the flan is done.

11:12

Charles is going to pick up his Orb soon. This will delight people of certain demographics, and with certain specific interests in gaming.

He also has a Sceptre. No, not SPECTRE, sceptre. Actually I'm confusing myself now. Anyone know if Bond is on hand, come to think of it? If I was King Charles, I would insist.

11:17

Apparently a Welsh song is being sung. That's sure to win everyone over. Job done, monarchy saved.

Meanwhile, the Mirror reports how these quirky scarecrow dolls have moved people to tears.

I mean, I'm speechless. Although they do look somewhat like repurposed dolls of another type...

11:18

Now there's choiral singing. I hate choiral singing.

11:20

Interestingly, the Queen Consort is getting queened today alongside her husband (although he's obviouasly not being queened. I probably don't need to cover that off).

I think Queen Consort basically means the King's bit on the side, so this is a real step up for her.

11:23

The church are way too bound up in this thing for my liking. i'm sure the church and the state are supposed to be separated. But is the King the state? I suppose he is.

Lip service is paid to other religions, which is almost as bad. Might it be better not to mention it at all? If you ask me, the Royals need a serious re-brand, starting with the theme tune.

That said, it's hard to separate the Protestant faith from the Monarchy since they basically made it up in the first place. So fair enough then.

11:26

I actually have to break now to do some cookery. I know. Cooking this flan is even more pointless now I've already eaten, but I'm sure it'll do me for lunches the rest of the week.

I need to roll the pastry out. I may even share a picture of this at some point

11:37

Meanwhile in Westminster... actually nothing seems to have happened whist I was rolling out pastry. It's much as I remember church as a kid. They're doing Alleluias to Charles for a bit. There's one for the spellcheck.

11:38

Oh no, it's the sermon. Excuse me if I switch off for a bit. P. G. Wodehouse springs to mind.

11:40

What are we looking at in terms of a sweepstake? I'll take 10 minutes. Anyone else?

11:41

I'm using the bbc live blog timings to judge this. It's over the two minute mark and no signs of slowing.

11:46

Oh OK looks like he was done in about 4 minutes. Nobody wins. They don't do they. There's some more choiring before they move on to some anointing. I mean, search me. I'm all at sea here. If it's boring to actually watch it imagne how I feel.

11:48

The King is hidden from view whilst being anointed. He's taking off his robe. Things are getting spicy. Laaadies and gentlemen, it's time for the maiiin event of the evening... LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEE!!!

Not sure what's supposed to happen to be honest. How long does this go on for?

11:50

There are pictures of some royal kids looking like they're losing focus. Come on kids, focus! This is your life now, unless you want to end up like Uncle Harry. You don't want to end up like Uncle Harry, do you?

11:51

WORST LIVE BLOG EVER

11:54

The royal spoon is out. They are pouring oil on his head. Great.

I'm thinking it might be worth looking at extending the live blog to cover other news of the day.

Unfortunately google is not revealing any news stories that don't involve either the Coronation or Ukraine, so I'll throw one out there.

Apparently COVID is over. Hurray!

11:58

Here's the top non-coronation story from the ever-reliable Daily Star. Apparently a celebrity I've never heard of has been sunbathing topless whilst on holiday.

I'm sure she'll be grateful that some hack with a telephoto lens was there to supplement her own cherished holiday memories.

I feel sure we left all this sort of nonsense behind in a previous century. And no I'm not back to talking about the Coronation again.

12:00

In other news, King Charles has now been given a sword with which to 'do justice'. Either this has gone all Game of Thrones, or they expect him to be some modern/medieval Judge Dredd hybrid. It seems a lot to ask, when the garden needs sorting out as well.

12:01

It's the Orb!!! King Charles has the Orb!!

King mode activated.

12:05

Now he's all tooled up, I love the idea that he might go on some kind of warrior-king style vigilante mission.

Put your recycling in the wrong bin? Swooosh, off with their heads - for justice and a greener tomorrow! China opening 2 new coal power plants a week? Orb of doom activated. One in the eye for the 'communist' dictatorship!

That's the sort of monarchy I could really get behind.

12:08

I feel like the Archbishop is way more into this than anyone else, especially the King, who I'd imagine is rather embarassed by all the fuss.

Why not though, this is his moment. "God save the King", he says. He's loving it.

12:09

The Archbishop drops the crown on King Charles' head. He'll sleep well tonight. As will I.

12:13

Right as Charles pops off to become enthroned, which presumably is sitting on a throne, I need to blind bake some pastry. This will be a first.

12:19

There are large crowds on the Mall. They know even less about what is going on than I do. Who even are these people?

I'm told I need to blind bake the pastry for 20-25 minutes. I mean, in terms of specific instructions, how useless is that. Is it 20 minutes or 25 minutes? I need to KNOW.

12:24

I just realised I forgot the asparagus. I mean I actually stood in the shop looking at asparagus spears and thinking I was sure I needed Asparagus. I even checked the recipe.

Whatever. The Coronation flan is an academic exercise at this point anyhow.

Queen Camilla has just been crowned. It's like one of those parallel universe thought experiments. In fact the whole world seems to be a bit like that right now.

12:25

Actually scrub that, I don't need asparagus. I was looking at the wrong recipe. Hurray!

12:36

As I finish preparing the rest of the ingredients for this quiche, I can't possibly see how it will taste any good.

I guess you put enough cheese in anything it'll be alright. It's a grand theory.

In the meantime, the Archbishop is still on the go. It won't just be the kids in the church getting restless by now.

12:40

The recipe now requires 180g of cooked spinach, with the liquid squeezed out. This is again disappointingly vague.

Is 180g the cooked or uncooked weight? Before or after I've squeezed the water out? And how the hell do I do that anyway?

This is a terrible recipe.

12:44

If I wasn't also doing cookery, I'd be so bored about now. As it is, I'd like to see the hack bbc team blind baking pastry and squeezing spinach whilst simultaneously writing stimulating content.

My talent truly is wasted.

12:44

Amateurs.

12:47

Given spinach is made mostly of water, I'm finding it hard to squeeze the water out. This looks awful.

12:55

Right that horrible mess is now in the oven. Now blind fate will decide whether my lunches for the next few days will be mildly awful or outright terrible.

They're now just, like, playing music which I can't hear because, you know, the coronation isn't for poor people. Don't fret though, I'm definitely not missing out.

I just read speakers are piping this stuff out to the rabid crowds gathered on the Mall. Presumably these are the same people who queue overnight to get into the last night of the proms.

I went once, and by the end was thoroughly embarrassed to be British. I guess pagentry and nationalism isn't really for me, but I think some people find it comforting. Get in touch if that person is you! I need balance here. You know, like the BBC.

13:13

The're off now on another procession. The crowd go wild.

If this is the cut-down version, I guess we should be grateful to King Charles that he didn't go full banana.

13:22

As I prepare to remove the flan/quiche from the oven (more on that later) a quick note from lils

"while ur enjoying ur lovely cooking i'm at the s*i***le they call *** ******s about to start my 10 hour shift... have fun prince rowland"

Trust me, enjoying won't be the word for it. You may notice I've made subtle changes to avoid, well you know social media. The only advice I can give you is to enjoy the process. It's what I'm telling myself here.

13:28

Another quick one from resident republican Anti KC:

"Will he be cavorting with a cat now do you think? It'll be better than this bloody procession it could get rid of the cost of living crisis if you melted the gold"

It's an interesting thought, I wonder if that would be better or if the carriage is worth more than the sum of its parts? Think of all the royal backsides that have touched that cloth.

13:31

As soon as this quiche is out the oven and the king is back in the hutch, I'm going down the pub.

I know many of you will eagerly be anticipating my take on Ken Hom's rack, but that may have to wait for another day. An addendum if you like.

And I'm sure as hell not covering the Coronation concert. I can't actually think of anything worse. Plus I'm busy. Probably.

13:36

Apparently everyone is smiling as they leave the Abbey. That, ladies and gentlemen, is called relief. They can actually enjoy the rest of their bank holiday now.

On the subject of quiche, there is some debate as to when a quiche is a quiche and when it is a flan. Some say it is a flan if it contains fruit. Some say it is a matter of choice, or even origin (quiche being a French term and all).

So surely it should be a coronation flan? We're British after all. Perhaps that is just a touch too working class. King Charles, good egg that he is, might have considered calling it a flan to be overly condescending.

13:40

OK I have an end date from the bbc - 14:30 British time.

Thank God for that.

In the meantime my quiche is not ready, because I seem to have inadvertently turned the oven off. Classic.

13:42

They're back at the palace now. I'm guessing they'll be having a spot of Coronation quiche before stepping out onto the balcony for the big finish.

This will apparently consist of waving. Looking forward to it. You may have to do it without me though, and I'll tell you why...

13:44

It's ready!!

Yup there it is. My lunches for the week. It actually looks alright.

I'll allow it to cool, and in the meantime, the pub is whispering sweet nothings to me.

So with that I declare this debacle closed and with a royal wave I'm off, until the next time.