Christmas with Rowland

23:37, Christmas Eve

It was the night before Christmas in the freezing Welsh house, and nothing was moving, not even a mouse..... actually there are mice in the shed... and also Rowland, not in the shed. The Live blog lives! All hail a feast of festive fun! And Jesus and all that, obviously.

23:41, Christmas Eve

First step is a cup of tea obviously. I have been building this damn thing all day. Sure, half the code is deprecated and it does not like apostrophes, but this is progress. The dawning of a new era. Or something.

00:35

You will notice I am no longer going to put the day. From now on, it should be obvious

My first job, before I go to bed, is to get the Turkey out the fridge and leave it overnight to get down to room temperature. This is an academic exercise in my house, since the temperature is about minus 5 in my kitchen, but hell Delia told me to do it so I will do it.

On observing the Turkey, it has become immediately apparent that it will not fit in any of my oven dishes. Although I have plenty of kitchen foil (do I... do I???) and am writing this off as a tomorrow problem, this may be a problem tomorrow.

I have not yet checked if it will fit in the oven or not. If it does not fit, then I do not actually want to know just yet. I want one more night of blissful ignorance. I may even sleep.

08:04

Just need to rest my eyelids a little longer...

Dear Rowland Maybe you could chop some bits off your turkey to fit it in the roasting dish? Yours suggestively Hardy Sandwich

0854

Just realised the contact form posts directly to the blog because I forgot to change something. Urgent updates needed! But thanks for the tip Mr Sandwich!

09:15

Moving on from that terrifying technical error, I have myriad tasks to perform today, most of which I should have done yesterday.

Auntie Delia shall be my guide, hence the same picture on the homepage which has been there 10 years now. And because of that, obviously. But first, urgent personal caffeine based maintanence. Then steak for breakfast, because, you know, Christmas.

10:04

Some actual cooking! Christmas breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right?

The key to this is a big chunk of bread or ciabatta to absorb all the meaty yolky juices. I got this recipe from an Italian man in 2004. But I will not go all Rick Stein on you here, promise.

But what is the best Chrimbo brekkie? Is it a monster fry up? A bucket of Bucks Fizz? Let us swap breakfasts!

10:36

Right, It is time for a drink I think! The time is after 10am, that will be OK right? So Bloody Mary it is then, the perfect breakfast drink.

Unfortunately, the only shop in mid-wales open after 7pm yesterday did not have tomato juice, so I have had to improvise, as you can see.

The eagle eyed among you may have noticed that not much has gone on in the way of cooking Christmas lunch yet. This is true. But I have got all day, right? Little snifter will not hurt.

I so want to use an apostrophe right now.

11:22

So, first stage is making a spot of stuffing for the Turkey. This is relatively straightforward, but Auntie Delia is telling me I need 25g of sage!! Twenty-five grams? That is the annual sage output for a small country! Even the dried stuff is only 12g a jar. And my sage plant... well it has seen better days as you may observe. Hang on is that the time? Well now.

11:36

Quick update with a message from Socks.

"Christmas breakfast is surely coffee and a French patisserie of some sort. Then obviously some alcohol because the chef needs to be tiny bit drunk to cook the turkey. It needs to be in oven soon."

French Patisserie? I am not 100% on board with that, and here is why.

But I cannot help but agree the Turkey should have been in the oven some time ago. This chef will be more than a tiny bit drunk though. Oh yes.

At least you will all get your moneys worth.

11:44

On a separate note I have just got off a video call with my family, watching my brother struggle for 35 minutes to unpack a very expensive toy whilst trying very hard not to swear in front of his daughter. Sellotape was involved.

Ah, Christmas.

11:48

By the way, there is a name field in the contact form.

Just make something up, you know. Something Christmassy.

I do all this for you.

12:24

Now you will not believe this, but... the Turkey is in! It fitted!

Also, I could not just rub butter on. The Turkey was too slippery. It all stuck to my hands, took 10 minutes to wash off, then I had to kind of blob it back on there. She also wants me to pleat foil. Trust me when I say this is largely impossible. For me, anyway.

Finally, Morrisons streaky bacon has the thickness of pancetta. It is anaemic and shocking. They do not stand alone though, because all supermarket bacon is terrible to the point where I rarely eat it any more. I want to know where Auntie D. gets her bacon from. In fact, I demand it.

So, this will take nearly 5 hours to cook, apparently. Surely it is time for you to rest, you must all not be thinking. But there is more to do. Right after I have a little sit-down.

12:38

I have reliably been informed that the Name field in the contact form is in fact broken. Now there is something for me to do. Perhaps I can also look into a fix for my apostrophe issue.

To any helpful web developers - I kind of know how. It is just that this is a rush job and I could not be bothered at 1am last night. I bet the Queen never abbreviates anything anyway. I am being like the Queen.

12:47

Right so the Name field is fixed! Hurray! Enter names to your hearts content.

In the meantime, another message, this time from Mr Scotch Egg for Breakfast

"5 hours? Might be an idea to actually turn the oven on.

What veg can we expect?"

If only it was that easy! As for veg, the answer to that question is - all of them! You will see.

13:12

Frosty the Snowman has got in touch with some contentious advice:

"Sprouts.. dont forget to star them..no idea why you star/ cross them maybe Delia knows why."

We all watched the Peep Show Christmas episode right. My life is too short for all that. But does anyone know why? I do not.

On the subject of sprouts how do you have them? A squidgy mess, a little bite, or in the dog bowl? You can probably guess my view. Sharing is caring.

14:07

So after getting the Turkey in and a drinkie or two I feel like its time to take care of my gibets.

This is why I wanted a whole bird. Not only is it well priced compared to a crown, you get all the tasty brown meat plus everything you need for a plush gravy. And everyone knows a good roast is ALL about the gravy! Oh yeah.

Here is the deal with them. Is that a neck by the way?? Ewww.

14:48

So moving on to the last of the things I really should have done yesterday, then it is on to today problems.

Pigs in Blankets!

I actually thought they would benefit from a honey glaze, so I found a recipe here. Obviously I scaled it back a bit. That is just ludicrous.

Just realised I do not have any cranberry sauce. On reflection, I think that is the least of my worries.

15:22

I see no end to this

15:24

Thank God! Humans have contacted me!

First message is from Father Christmases Thingy:

"I like any food shaped like a thingy. Thumbs up for pigs in blankets"

Happy to oblige! Next up is Painful Eyes:

"Struggling to read blue on black. Could you maybe change your links to yellow?"

But why would you want to visit any other page? It is all going on RIGHT HERE! Plus that, too is a tomorrow problem. I have other things to deal with right now.

Apostrophes, anyone?

15:44

Cauliflower Cheese???

Why am I making cauliflower cheese?

15:48

Things are going to start moving fast now

15:51

My fridge makes no sense

15:55

My Dad sent me a picture of his ingredients several hours ago. I have had no further communications from him.

16:11

In between burning Bechamel sauce just time for a quick message from Sean connery

"I find that any problem can be solved if you just sit down and think. Ahhhh! Nazis!!!"

I am assuing this is not the real Sean Connery. Because he is dead.

16:20

This is how we CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

16:31

It still smells quite strongly of Turkey neck in here... and whatever the hell that other thing was.

16:41

So I did not mention this at the time due to mental contraints, but the Tesco bacon I used for the pigs in blankets was about twice as thick as the Morrisons stuff I used earlier. Conclusion - well you can work it out.

It pains me to say it because I don not like the way Tesco pressure you to sign up to clubcard to get the best prices, or thier store layout, or that they are more expensive all around. But credit where it is due, right?

Mind you, comparing one supermarket bacon to another is a little like saying Idi Amin was less brutal than Pol Pot. Not exactly a reason to rush out and buy it.

16:57

Potatoes! They are the best bit, am I right? There are a couple of parsnips in there too, for diversity. Parsnip lives matter.

My approach is parboil for 10-15 minutes (depending when I remember to set the timer) with a bunch of salt (depending on whether I remember to put salt in). Then rough up the surface - the salt helps apparently.

I cook them in beef dripping these days for flavour and health reasons. Although they do take longer to crisp. And also, that is not the only source, because they would say that right. But I am busy here, cooking dinner for 13, but without 13 people. Whyyyyyyy????

17:18

Just time for a quick interjection from Farmer Giles:

"Giblets are most of the innards. Feed them to cat or dog afterwards. Stinky too."

That is sound advice. I do not have a pet, although I reckon the rats in the shed would love a nice Christmas treat.

17:21

We are now at the browning/basting stage. Things are getting real here. Give me a few minutes to pull myself together.

17:28

The Turkey is now physically stuck in the oven. Screw basting.

17:35

Crisis averted. Just time for another quickie, this time from Bruvver:

"We are about to have corndogs, among other things. Shame on me?"

Knowing my brother, this could mean anything. I am almost afraid to respond. But I suspect he is acutally eating corndogs.

17:38

Another quick message from Emmer:

"It be emmer"

I am beginning to suspect abuse of my contact system.

17:44

Ok so Farmer Giles, sorry i missed your pic, here it is, very useful. For anyone who was in any doubt! Emmer sent a pic of herself, which was lovely, but we need to keep it on topic folks. Any pictures of you need to involve food. Lots of it.

17:59

Turkey is out! The giblet stock looks like a jug of frothy wee.

18:07

Opinion varies on how long one should rest a turkey for. In the case of my Turkey, it will rest until everything else is done. It has no choice in the matter.

This could be a while.

18:16

As for veg, when I said everything I was not joking.

The veg is the easy bit though. I am so close now.

18:32

So much going on here....

18:36

Look at these!

18:55

One last message before dinner, from Reinhardt Flim-Flam:

"I last checked in with you at 1pm, assuming that you were eating with HM QE II at 3pm like the rest of christendom. You appear to have been cooking for 5 hours. I have consumed at least 4000 calories in the intervening period. So there. Love n hugs RFF"

This may be so, Reinhardt, but I am now going to eat this meal every day for the next two months. So now who is the winner, eh? Eh? Urgh.

19:18

Jesus

20:06

I could have taken this chunk out of the beast when it was still alive and it would be walking around showing no ill effects.

21:50

So I am staring at my family sized M&S Christmas pudding and it is staring back at me. And so I look the other way and go and sit in a comfy chair. The pudding won that one, and it does not even have eyes.

It is quite possible this will be the end of me for today, and that it will signal the end of another glorious Christmas*. It is probably time for this to end

Thanks to everyone who has read, everyone who has taken part, and everyone who has stuck by me these last several years. I know my friends today are all people I can rely on forever, and that is something even more precious and beautiful than a 7 kilo Christmas Turkey.

Until next time
Rowland x

*Christmas may not have been glorious