Come Dine With Me Special

You'll have to excuse me if I talk about myself in the third person. It only seems fair though.

Rowland, from the start, took almost the opposite approach to Tracey. The overarching ambition of his Gallic inspired menu was matched only by his obvious and abject lack of adequate preparation. As the guests arrived the table had not been laid, and the canapes of pork, apple and mint bites wrapped in parma ham were still in the fridge, disguised as their still raw component parts. It took 45 minutes and a great deal of moaning on behalf of the guests before the canapes were finally served.

Ramsey

The highlight of the meal was the starter, which consisted of an incredibly ambitious, rich and flavoursome game terrine, although being totally frank I was also totally astonished at how well the dessert turned out. The main course was something of a disappointment; Tracy was particularly keen to point out how the Dauphinouise Potatoes utterly overpowered the accompanying chicken. She's a competitive one, that girl, so I was secretly flattered..

Work in Progress

During the course of the evening, the cat had seen more of the host than anyone else, as it successfully waited for food to hit the floor. Rowland was also stone cold sober, whilst his abandoned guests were becoming rowdy and intransigent, drinking abundantly in the absence of anything else to do duing the monumental gaps between courses. Glasses initially were only refilled as a result of prolonged hectoring from alcohol deprived guests, as Rowland toiled in the kitchen. It was only a matter of time before they took matters into their own hands; as they did so Rowland dished out the verbals for transgressing into his domain.

Shoes

Because of his delays and general cack-handedness Rowland could be held indirectly responsible for the incapacity of his guests towards the end of the evening. By the time the dessert arrived, at nigh on 1am, Gill and Tina were both fast asleep and Tracey was unable to put her own shoes on. Magnificent though the Tarte Tartin was, nobody was sober enough to remember it. In fact, come to think of it, Tracy was pretty hazy on the main as well. Worse still, the guests were all in taxis before Rowland could roll out the hastily prepared Wii Fit Yoga Challenge. Ah, well. Maybe next time.

Best things: Starter and dessert could well merit a place on Masterchef.
Worst things: Complete disorganisation, general absentness and overpowering potatoes.

Verdict: Gastro-shambles

Stew's menu was smart. He was challenging himself, even going as far as making his own ketchup. He was also playing to the crowd with the beef stew and the fry up. It wasn't so complicated that it was likely to end in disaster. Now, although my memory is actually quite patchy regarding what happened during the course of the evening, I'm also quite sure that no matter how poor my memories of the occasion, they are unlikely to be a swiss-cheesed as those of Gill and Tina. In a determined attempt to outdo our pre-dinner drinking the previous time out, they appeared to have spent the entire afternoon in the pub in preparation. This was never going to end well.

Stew Beef

The food was strong across the board, and I was particularly fond of the starter - few would be brave enough to attempt a kind of layered fry up and aubergine thing, but this really worked because the aubergine cut through all the stodge. It was almost as tasty as Rowland's Terrine. The main course wasn't very brave, but then you can't argue with it - everyone loves a nice tasty Beef Bourguingnon! My main quibble was with the dessert - as with Gill's, it was a little on the sweet side. Individually the peach pie and home-made ice-cream may have worked but together I nearly passed out from the sugar rush.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Stew was a very helpful host, but just probably spent a little too much time in the kitchen - no-where near as much as Rowland, mind. He was also handicapped by Gill falling into an unconscious stupor before the main even came out. He had to be physically removed to the sofa for the remainder of the evening, where his snoring was a contstant menace. Tina wasn't looking too clever either - if the heavy drinking on their part was a clever ruse to deny Stew votes through becoming unconscious, it was definitely working.

Pants

The entertainment was a definite high point of the evening. It consisted largely of 2 ladies wearing dresses assuming unflattering poses in an attempt to pick up a cornflake box from the floor with their teeth. Top marks for that one!

A bit of Wii fit fun, consumption of remaining beef and drinking of drinkables later, I couldn't help noticing that Tracey had disappeared. Demerera soon spotted her, at the top of the stairs stripped out of her dress. She'd clearly had enough, and so had everyone else. We prised Gill into a taxi and went home.

Best things: Starter was a revelation, as was the entertainment...
Worst things: Dessert wasn't my cup of tea; Gill's snoring.

Verdict: Close but no cigars left

Demerera's menu was printed almost a week in advance of the dinner party. Demerera had prepared most of the more complex elements of her South-East Asian inspired dishes days in advance. Demerera had, in short, been cheating - if not in word then in spirit. On the day of the dinner party I was furiously jealous of the relaxed couple of hours she spent pottering in the kitchen, as compared to my 14 hour marathon panicked stint. I was still trying to find a clean shirt whilst the guests arrived and started tucking into her exquisite home-made Dim Sung parcel thingies with an equally exquisite home-made sweet chilli dipping sauce. Surely nothing could go wrong for her?

Food Last Short Time

Of course it wouldn't. There was little to find fault with any of the courses, although naturally I've had a good go.

The starter of Tom Yum Gung achieved a nice balance of spiciness, although the stock was a little meat heavy for my taste - I prefer a bit more bite. Also the Beef Mussaman curry, although very nice indeed, certainly wasn't the best she's ever done, and was also something of a safe choice for her. Finally, the Lime Cheesecake was a bit desserty for my liking. Ah that's clutching at straws, isn't it?

Love us Long Time

Even more annoyingly, as a hostess Demerera did very well - at the start of the evening, before I had even dressed myself she was in the living room chatting away with the guests and drinking wine, the starter presumably miraculously preparing itself. She'd even pulled out a little living room sized water feature to give the room an oriental air. Dammit.... ahem. As at all the dinner party apart from Rowland's, guests were well looked after - Demerera even left deliberately longer gaps between courses than she needed so that eveyone could have a nice chat and get more drunk! That's ruthless efficiency for you.

The entertainment for the evening consisted of a remarkable one-sided game of 'Articulate', in which the boys trounced the significantly worse for wear girls (OK one girl in particular - we can pretty much guess who, right?).

Following the game's all too swift conclusion, drinking and other such consumption continued long into the early hours of the night, and Demerera could reflect on a job well done.

Best things: The food.
Worst things: The humiliation

Verdict: Pretty much flawless